Provincial Adult Addictions Information
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FamilyAFM Family Services Information Sheet I grew up in a family where my parent(s) or other significant adults were dependent upon alcohol, drugs, gambling or other addictive substances or activities. I am currently living or closely involved with someone who is actively addicted (for example a partner, a grown child, parent, sibling), was addicted, or who grew up with addiction in their family. I am a friend, co-worker, employer, employee of someone who is actively addicted, was addicted, or who grew up with addiction in their family. I myself was actively addicted at some point in my life. I have a minimum of 6-12 months of sobriety/abstinence and wish to explore addiction and the family system. If any of these statements describe you, call AFM family Services programs. AFM strives to meet the needs of family and friends of persons who are struggling with alcohol, drugs or gambling. Through education, counseling and therapy services individuals, couples and families are offered the opportunity to improve the quality of their lives, to explore the effects of addiction on themselves and to make personal changes and healthy choices for their own lives.
If you are a person who is affected by addiction in your family system you may be feeling apprehensive right now. It's a big step admitting something in your life is not working, that you feel a need for change. It takes a lot of strength to make that first contact. We invite you to do that now. You are invited to attend an Information Session or Series. BRANDON - PARKWOOD CENTRE One Morning Session Every Monday 9:00 - 11:30 a.m. At these sessions a counselor will talk about the addictive process and how family members react to addiction. Information will be provided about services for families and there will be time for you to ask questions. These groups are open. No pre-registration is required. There are no fees for our services. Confidentiality is respected and you are not obligated to attend any further sessions. Initial Consultation Sessions for Individuals, Couples or Families A consultation Session is a confidential meeting with a counselor that will provide more insight about your situation and where you are in your life. This meeting will give you a chance to talk about what's been going on for you and explore possibilities for change. Depending on your needs, interests and what you hope to achieve, you may decide, together with the counselor, to participate in one of our ongoing programs for family members. When you live with a dependent person, you often become so involved in the day-to-day survival that you don't look at how or why you're living the way you are. The Family Awareness Program provides the opportunity for people who have or are currently living with addiction in their lives will begin to examine the nature of addiction and the impact it has had on both themselves and their families. The Family Awareness Program is a safe haven where people can express feelings and experiences openly and honestly. People share in the experiences of others and draw strength and support from the group. This is where you can begin to lay a foundation of understanding based upon education and honesty, to become aware of the things you can change and how you can create a framework for better living. BRANDON - PARKWOOD8 sessions held weekly Mondays - 7:00 - 9:00 p.m. Program is offered 3 times per year. WINNIPEG - CHRISTIE HOUSE DAUPHIN Pre-registration is required for this Program and attendance at a Family Information Session or Series is a pre-requisite in Brandon or Winnipeg. In Dauphin check with your local office for more specific information. People come to the AFM at different stages in their lives. If you are ready to take a closer look at your experience of living with addiction; if you have reached a point where it's time to make changes; if you're not sure just how to make those changes, the Family In this experiential therapy group, you will find a safe place to explore and challenge some of the beliefs and behaviors that you have developed as a result of living with addiction. You may begin to recognize that while the pain is real, so is your ability to thrive. Drawing on new-found strength, you will come to know what your own needs are and how to meet them. Like many people who aren't sure that the group experience is for them, you may be pleasantly surprised to find that, in the sharing of life stories, you are not alone. WINNIPEG 12 Sessions Tuesday and Thursday evenings After the Family Information Session when you meet privately with a counselor you can discuss the possibility of this group for yourself. Individual, Couple and Family Counseling Although each person's situation is unique, those affected by addiction often feel isolated and unsure of how to deal with the problem. Often they feel responsible for the problem and that no one else understands their situation. The truth is that you are not responsible for someone else's choices or behavior. Talking about things with someone who understands can help to make sense of what often seems like an overwhelming situation. AFM Counselors in offices throughout the Province recognize how addiction problems can affect relationships and will provide counseling to your individual family to work with you towards making healthy changes. You may reach a Counselor in your area by calling the local AFM Office. Specific Services for Partners and Families of Gamblers Families and loved ones affected by someone else's gambling often seek out services when they are in a crisis. Many times the crisis is related to a financial problem that reveals the hidden secret of excessive gambling. If you find yourself in this predicament it can be very beneficial for you and other family members to have a safe place to talk about how you have been impacted by the secrets and the gambling. This is important for you whether the person you are concerned about is seeking treatment or not. Families need lots of information about gambling and addiction so that they can move through the crisis with the knowledge needed to make good decisions. Engaging in some initial planning for your own financial and emotional safety seems to help settle down the crisis in the family system. When a crisis has brought the gambling to their attention it is often difficult for the family to look at the bigger patterns connected to addictions before some specific safety issues are addressed. Once this is achieved you may choose to continue learning more about living with addiction by taking part in other programs offered through the AFM. Contact Christie House in Winnipeg or your local AFM office for services. At Christie House in Winnipeg, Marriage and Family Therapy is offered for couples and families who have used the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba services. Couples working through recovery together often begin to realize they have issues that go beyond the addiction itself. Most commonly, couples work on issues of trust, communication, intimacy, parenting and finances. Parents, including single parents, often seek advice on how to bring recovery into the family, to improve their parenting skills and to work towards prevention of addiction in the children. The goal in family therapy is to work towards providing a loving and nurturing environment for all family members. A person or family may get to the point in their own growth where they want to address the person with the addiction in their life in a new or more constructive manner. But, they are often afraid of saying of doing something wrong, and of how this person might react. The Counselors at Christie House in Winnipeg are available for consultation on possible ways to approach this person and communicate with them. The AFM Library is also a good source of information about intervention. Books and videos are available for loan at no charge. ReParenting Program The ReParenting Program was developed by the AFM specifically for adults who grew up in families where there was addiction or other painful issues. Those who grew up in such an environment often mature into adulthood with an intense desire not to repeat what they experienced in childhood. As a result, there is often a lack of an inner sense of what would be better or how to do things differently. The ReParenting Program provides the safe place to explore the emotional residues of childhood. By putting the past into perspective emotionally, learning how to love and appreciate themselves today, participants find that they experience a sense of being more connected to their own emotions and therefore, more connected to others, including their partners and their children. BRANDON These sessions are offered irregularly so check with your Parkwood or Christie House for dates. Participation in the Family Awareness or Family Recovery Program is a pre-requisite. Services for Families who have someone in treatment for alcohol, drugs or gambling If you have a loved one in an AFM Treatment Program there are specific services available for you. This is a good opportunity for you to connect with our Family Services and resources for yourself. Specific sessions are offered for family members during the treatment programs at Parkwood in Brandon and at James Toal Centre and River House in Winnipeg. For time and schedule check with your family member or the AFM Family offices at Parkwood in Brandon or Christie House in Winnipeg. All are available through the Library or your local AFM office. These brochures are also available in French I'm tired of walking on eggshells (French version) You can't come to my house (French version) I won't make the same mistakes (French version) www.addictionrecov.orgwww.aarp.org/grandparents www.co-anon.org www.al-anon.alateen.org www.codependents.org/ www.aadac.com www.familiesanonymous.org Dealing with Issues - For FamiliesTo find information about how addictions affect families, click below
Often they feel that they are somehow responsible for the problem and that no one else understands their situation. Such beliefs can leave them feeling guilty, embarrassed and alone and may prevent them from reaching out to someone who can help. You are not responsible for someone else's choices or behaviour. Talking about things with someone who understands can help to make sense of what seems like an overwhelming situation. Our Family Services staff recognize how alcohol/drug problems can affect relationships. They are available to listen and support you in taking care of yourself. Ask yourself these questions - they may help you to determine if someone else's use is causing problems for you!
It's possible that you may have felt for sometime that things were not quite right, but you couldn't put your finger on what was wrong. Whenever you questioned your family member about something out of the ordinary they had an explanation. Maybe the explanation didn't seem to make sense at times but you believed it because you love and trust that person. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR NOT KNOWING. Once you realize there is a problem you may find that your behaviour changes. Ask yourself the following questions. They may help you determine if someone else's gambling is affecting you in some way:
Talking about things with someone who understands can help to make sense of what seems like an overwhelming situation. AFM staff recognize how gambling problems can affect relationships. They are available to listen and support you in taking care of yourself. To talk confidentially with an AFM counsellor, please call the AFM office closest to you. What does that mean for me today? What does that mean for me today? If you grew up in a family with an addicted parent, you are a survivor. You found ways to cope with the secrets, the turmoil and the fear. You probably learned the three rules of living with addiction: don't talk, don't trust, don't feel.You may have vowed not to make the same mistakes with your own family. Yet you may be having problems with relationships, your marriage or raising your children. Perhaps you find yourself repeating the same patterns you learned as a child. Maybe you have over-compensated by imposing strict rules when there were none for you, of eliminating rules if you experienced nothing but discipline. Do I carry some of the personal legacies of being an adult child of addiction (AC0A)?
"I have always been afraid of success and People who have grown up in families with addiction tend to experience difficulties in parenting. There may be difficulty with discipline - in setting "bottom lines". You may not want to make your parent's mistakes, but you may not know how to do things differently. You may be striving for perfection and your expectations may be too high. The result can be frustration, self-doubt and disappointment. "I was looking for a rule book Often grown children of addicted parents choose partners with similar backgrounds or addictions. Sometimes it's because the partner seems familiar or "comfortable". Sometimes it's because of the past relationship between parent and child. If the child took care of the parent, he or she may be looking for a partner who is just as needy.
"I think the biggest effect . "today I know I deserve a lot more. What is happening to my family? What is happening to my family? It doesn't matter what the addiction is (alcohol, drugs, gambling or any other self-destructive behavior), the effect on family and friends is the same. That is because a family circle is like a mobile that hangs in a window or over a baby's crib. All the members act together to maintain a balance. When one member is addicted, all the others are affected. They are forced to act differently to maintain a balance. Maintaining a balance is tough to do because you never know what the addicted person might do next. For many it is difficult to cope without help. Every family of an addicted person is in distress. Confusion: At first, you may not recognize that addition is the issue. You may not understand your own feelings and think something else is wrong. When you finally understand the reason for your confusion, you can see how the addiction is affecting the whole family. Stress: Confusion can lead to stress. Family members argue a lot and try to control the addiction. This rarely works. As a family member, you may feel rejected, frustrated and alone. Not knowing where to turn, you may start avoiding outside contact. Exhaustion: When the stress begins to take its toll physically and emotionally, exhaustion may result. You may feel trapped, helpless and overwhelmed. You could actually become physically ill. I feel like I'm going crazy! What can I do? Being in a relationship with an addicted person can create a great deal of chaos and emotional upheaval. If the addiction is not identified or agreed upon as a problem, it is easy to conclude that it is your mental health that is failing. Once addiction is acknowledged as the source of stress, what you are experiencing will be understood to be normal in a "crazy-making" situation. You may doubt your sanity, but it's unlikely you've lost it. Taking care of yourself by seeking information about addiction and sources for emotional support is the best way to feel more in control of your mental health. What if I'm the only one who thinks there's a problem? Trust your intuition that there is a problem and share your concerns with other people. Get solid information about how addictive behaviors differ from social behaviors. Find out what other friends and relatives have experienced with this person. People with addictions often work at keeping secrets about their behavior, so each friend or relative may only know a little piece about the level of the problem. I feel guilty. I think it's my fault. If I just behaved differently .. Families often feel that their behavior towards the addicted person either caused the addiction in the first place or influenced the ongoing addictive behavior. Even if you were the most stressful parent or partner in the entire world (and what are the chances of that?) your loved one makes their own choice to abuse alcohol, drugs or gambling. We all face stress in life and not everyone handles it by getting involved in an addiction. You have probably tried many different approaches to influence the addictive behavior but with limited results. Being nicer or tougher, louder or quieter will not stop the addicted person's behavior in the long run. One spouse described preparing her husband's favorite meal every payday thinking that this would keep him from choosing to go out drinking. In another instance, parents concluded that if they hadn't been so hard on their child the child would not be involved with drugs. When you stop trying to figure out how you impact the other's behavior or accepting blame for someone else's choices you will have more energy for your own life. If I just hang in there and love him/her enough he/she will stop the harmful behavior. It is natural to want to love and protect someone you care about. But, when you are dealing with addiction you have to consider what message you are sending the addicted person by hanging in there through thick and thin. Tolerating bad behavior adds stress to your own life and does not motivate the other to change. A clearer message will be sent when a family follows through in allowing the addicted person to experience the natural consequences of their behavior. For example, an addicted person will be more motivated to change if the spouse clarifies to those that need to know (children/parents/employers) that Joe is not available because he is suffering from a hangover rather than the spouse covering for his absence. There is nothing I can do until he/she "hits bottom". This statement is true. But, what you do have the power to do is to "raise the bottom". Raising the bottom occurs when we allow the person with the addiction to experience the consequences of the choices they are making. For example, if the addicted person spends all their rent money on gambling or drugs, if you cover the rent for them and bail them out, they will not have to face the more unpleasant prospect of dealing with a landlord and the possibility of eviction. Hitting bottom occurs when consequences start to accumulate that can no longer be ignored. The bottom will be different things to different people, but will only be reached when the consequences of addiction are no longer being solved by family and friends. How do I help someone who doesn't want help? Trying to change the other person: It's frustrating if the person you think needs help refuses to connect with resources or talk with loved ones about the problem. It would be easy to get caught up in trying to convince this person to seek help. This approach only seems to wear family members out and does little to help the addicted person move towards change. If I can't change the other person, what can I do? Many people say: "There is no point in going for help because he/she won't change anyway." Living with this belief they experience a sense of frustration and hopelessness. It is easy to believe that nothing will improve for you until the addicted person changes but, this is like putting someone else in charge of your well-being. Family members are often pleasantly surprised with the results when they shift the focus away from what the addicted person needs to do. Focusing instead on what they can do to achieve more peace and stability for themselves produces far more results for families affected by addiction You do not have to do it alone. It is certainly not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Nor does it take superhuman strength. Professional services and support groups are available. Give clear messages that take a firm position about not tolerating addictive behavior. For example: you may have to tell your mother that you will no longer trust her to take care of your children because her use of alcohol makes her unreliable. You may tell a gambler that you will no longer lend him money. Following through on these kinds of statements will go a lot further than another plea for the addicted person to seek help. What about the children? They don't know about it. Children may not know about the actual alcohol intake or gambling activity, but even very young children detect when something is wrong in their households. Children notice that Mommy or Daddy is crabby and tired. They register that the parent is not available for help with activities. They are affected by a parent's inability to keep up with responsibilities. When a parent seems preoccupied with something else, children will often assume that this somehow is connected to them. "Maybe Mom is home less often because I am making her mad." "Maybe Dad forgot my birthday because he doesn't love me." It is really helpful for the children in the home if the parent who recognizes that there is an addiction problem seeks helps and gives the children age appropriate information about their concerns. What should I tell the children? Each family will need to decide what specific information their children will need about an addiction problem. Start by considering how the children have been or will be affected by living with addiction. Adults can then share information that is age appropriate that will reduce each child's stress related to these areas. When children are not given information, they often reach inappropriate conclusions about what the problems are or how they are responsible. When parents think they can wait until children are a certain age before they are told of the addiction problem, they discount the reality that these children have already been exposed to situations that they will need help to understand. What should I do when he/she comes home from a residential treatment program? Strained family relationships do not magically heal once an addicted person completes treatment. Families often describe feeling very cautious around the recovering person. They fear doing or saying something that might set off the addiction again. When this tension is acknowledged, families, including the addicted person, can reduce any unrealistic expectations that everything will feel better right away. There are many challenges ahead for a family in early recovery (2-3 years). It takes time and effort to rebuild trust and other aspects of a healthy relationship. Families often benefit from outside supports during this time. Is my adult child into addictive behaviours (eg. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, other self-destructive behaviour)? How will I know? What can I do to fix the problem? What if my adult child is living with me/us? What if my adult child is living with me/us? When adult children remain in the home or when they return home because of the consequences of their addictive behaviours their parents often feel like failures. If you are living in this situation you may question your parenting - "what have I done wrong that this is happening? If only I had been a better parent things wouldn't have turned out this way." There is often a sense of loss. "Things weren't supposed to turn out this way. What happened to all the dreams I have had for my child." One thing that parents often forget is that the home is their house and they have the right to determine what is acceptable within their own home. For example, when an adult child is living in his/her parent's home the following expectations are reasonable:
A word about the expectation: "While in the parental home he/she will not engage in activities the parents are not comfortable with." Adult children addicted to drugs, alcohol or other self-destructive behaviours often attempt to remain in or return to the family home. If a parent allows their child to live with them without them taking active action (enrolment in a treatment program, regular attendance in a support group, other visible action) to turn their lives around the parent is supporting the child in their addiction. People tell me just to "throw him/her out". This is a parent's worse nightmare. It goes against everything we believe about how families work, how we care for one another. Ask yourself the following questions:
If this is your situation it may be time to recognize that for everyone's health and well-being you are not able to live with the active addiction in the home any longer. Your child is an adult. Adults respect one another by allowing one another to make their own life choices. If your adult child has chosen to continue with self-destructive behaviour, the consequence of this choice is that he/she can no longer live in the family home. It doesn't mean that parents don't love and care; it means parents do what is needed for all concerned even when it hurts. Addiction is as complex as it is destructive to all family relationships. When your adult child has children it is even more distressing. Some questions that commonly arise are:
Correct information is essential. Educate yourself on the topic of addiction. Reading is helpful, but even better is contact with support groups and professionals in the field. Not only will you inform yourself of the dynamics of addiction in family systems but you will also learn of resources available in your particular community for persons dealing with this issue. Seek professional help for yourself in dealing with the crisis and making decisions for yourself that will be healthy and life-giving both for you and your family. Every family is different and every grandparent has his or her own particular needs. You are not alone and there is help available. Rules - don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. There are three unwritten rules when you are living with addiction. Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. All three rules must be broken to begin the healing process. Children living with addiction need to know they can talk to someone about their situation. They need to learn how to share their feelings and how to stay safe. Addiction of alcohol, drugs, gambling and other self-destructive behaviour affects all members of a family, not just the person with the addiction. Often, children of an addicted parent or guardian try to cope with their situation in secret. They may have been told not to talk about "family business" to outsiders. Sometimes, they remain secretive because of their own shame and fear. The silence is an attempt to maintain appearances or to preserve the family balance without causing further upset. The silence also makes it more difficult to understand the children affected. "Even if I had a friend, I Children who live with addiction - or other problems at home - may respond by taking on certain roles that help them cope. The coping behavior can have negative consequences (acting out, withdrawal) or may be seen as positive (ambition, humor). Over-achievers assume many adult responsibilities. This might be an attempt to restore family pride or to seek adult approval. Or the maturity just might be a necessity for survival at home. Sullenness, defiance and blaming may be a role a child assumes which provides the family with a focus other than with the real problem of addiction. The remote and undemanding child offers relief to the family. These children, when outside the family, may seem quiet, solitary and withdrawn. In the class clown role a child often establishes self-worth by making others laugh and forget their conflicts temporarily. "Sometimes I feel a hundred years older
(than my parents)." Bryan, 14 years old Feelings - What to do with them? Feelings are neither good nor bad. It is the behavior associated with the feelings that may be positive or negative. With no outlet for their feelings in the stressful family teenagers who live with addiction are at risk of turning to alcohol, drugs or other addictive behaviors as a way of altering their feelings - as a way of feeling good about life and themselves. "I can't talk to anyone because
no one would understand." Nora, 13 years old Children of parents with an addiction often think they are to blame for the addiction. As a result, they may feel extremely guilty. They may also think their survival depends on fixing the problem. Youngsters need to be relieved of the responsibility for their parents' actions. They need to know they cannot cause, control or solve their parents' problems. "If I wasn't so bothersome maybe my
Mom would stop drinking." Tiffany, 11 years old The good news is that children are resilient. Many children who live with addiction survive the experience well. Those who need assistance can learn how to feel better about themselves, make friends and seek help when they need it. Informed, supportive adults who are willing to listen can make the difference. Studies show that those who are in a close relationship with someone with an addiction problem are affected in ways that are similar to family members. If you read about the effects of addiction on families you may find you see yourself in what is written there. You may find yourself caught up with your friend/co-worker in the same way as family doing such things as making excuses, covering up, etc. Explore other sections in this family area and you will find information that will help you understand what is going on. Family services are most certainly appropriate and available to you. Dealing with Issues - ParentsTalking with my children
Take advantage of "Teachable moments" (when the topic just "comes up") Some examples of teachable moments are: watching a movie together where alcohol or other drugs are shown, when you are hosting a party where alcohol will be served, or when your child asks a question about the topic. It can be helpful to invite your child to discuss the topic by asking them " what do you think about..." Focus on the facts: Give your children factual, age appropriate information about alcohol and other drugs. Alcohol, tobacco and medicines are most likely to be present in a younger child's world while other drugs like marijuana become present a little later. Be ready to listen to and address their questions: - To feel more "mature"/ adult like - To fit in / feel accepted - To rebel - To have fun Alcohol and other drugs effect how the mind and the body function. Stimulants such as caffeine, nicotine and cocaine tend to speed up these functions. Our drug information sheets contain more details on specific drugs. The best way to determine whether or not your child may be in trouble with alcohol, drugs or gambling is to look at what is happening in the different areas of their life. Here are some things to look for:Changes at school: marks, attendance, attitude towards school, behavior problems at Emotional Changes: mood swings, increased defiance, anxiety, paranoia. Social Changes: changes in peer group, less interest in previously enjoyed activities, sudden popularity, loss of friends, secretive about friends /activities. Legal Problems: alcohol or drug related charges, theft, assault or other illegal behavior when under the influence. Physical Changes: weight loss, tired/run down, unusual amounts of energy, appetite changes, frequent illnesses, increase in accidents, memory problems, less concern about appearance, change in sleeping patterns. Changes in Family Relationships: withdrawing from family, no longer following rules at home, isolating self, increased tension at home. Financial Changes: more spending money, money is spent with nothing to show for it, possessions are missing, frequent job changes. Keep in mind that several of these changes may be due to things other than alcohol, drugs or gambling. Several signs are often more reliable than a single sign. If you are noticing these changes it is important to talk to your child about your concerns. Express Concern: Use "I Messages": "I messages" look something like this: "I feel worried when you stay out all night without calling because I am afraid that something terrible may have happened to you." Really Listen: Remain Calm and Caring: Request that your child go for counselling: Get Support for yourself and your family: |
Recovery Program may be for you.
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This website provides general information only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Every effort is made to ensure that the information is accurate at the time of posting. The Addictions Foundation of Manitoba is not responsible for and may not be in agreement with information provided by other websites that are linked to this site.